I am a Soap Whore and a Mermaid Died in My Bathtub

I love soap.  I go to the store for one thing and come out with soap.  Dr. Bronner’s is my favorite, if only because his labels are the manifesto of a raving lunatic.  The peppermint is worth every maniacal word.  Luckily my soap thing is not hard on the wallet like, say, a shoe fetish would be.  But it’s officially a vice.

It’s an easy vice to have as no harm is being done except exacerbating my dry skin problem and perhaps depleting the earth of its essential oils.  

Just as alcohol is linked to drug use, soap is inextricably and understandably linked to lotion.  Recently a friend who understands my dry skin woes bought me this lovely package filled with a seaweed bath salt “experience.”  I was excited at the prospect of temporarily alleviating the itching, the flaking, the scales, yes winter-y SCALES, on my skin.

I knew something was off when I read the directions: “empty contents of package in running water and swirl your hand around (doesn’t this sound dreamy?) until the water turns….light BROWN.”  Hm.  That doesn’t sound very pretty, but ok.

After emptying and swirling as instructed, I was suddenly overcome with the smell of a mermaid.  Not just any mermaid, but one who died, washed ashore, baked, and rotted in the sun for three days.  Sure, there was lavender in the package, but I quickly realized it was inserted to mask the smell of a spicy tuna roll that lived well past its expiration date.

I half expected sea monkeys to start hatching in my tub.

The smell was so overwhelming, the idea of actually putting my body in it and smelling like a mermaid corpse for the rest of the night was out of the question.  I quickly opened the window, emptied the tub and proceeded to wash the brown seaweed matter down the drain.  What was left I can only describe as the residue of a mermaid carcass that had been washed ashore and left to bake and rot in the sun for three days. 

It was a sweet gesture on my friend’s part, but little did they know they would unleash CSI: Underwater Zombie Kingdom in my tub.

I will stick to the coconut oil that gives me zits.  Surely there’s a soap for that.