Administrative Assistant to the Most Anal Person on Earth

I just started a new job as a director of a bunch of blah blah blah. I am without an assistant and am in the process of hiring one. I went through what seemed like an endless stack of resumes yesterday and am stunned at what people think passes for a “resume.” I mean, sure, it’s a clerical position, so it’s not like rocket science, but c’mon, people, HIT SPELLCHECK.

Here are some examples of the ridiculousness (besides the spellcheck issue, which was rampant, by the way):

  1. The cover letter was addressed to the last company the person applied to. Flush.
  2. Email addresses range from pinklexus@whatever.com to jellybelly@idiot.com to aidansmom@mommy.mom. Really?
  3. Someone who has been in the workforce since 1979 barely filled a half-page with their whole resume. Literally: Secretary 1979 – 1990. Office Assistant 1990-1997. Education: Joe’s High School, some college. Thanks, but I think I could have ASSUMED all that. Can you expand a little?
  4. At the end of the sentence mentioning their attention to detail, the 2nd period was extra helpful.
  5. I can’t, in good conscience, hire someone who’s done nothing but wait tables all their life. I just can’t. No offense to waitresses of the world, it’s just a quirk of mine.
  6. A resume that smells like cigarette smoke does not win my vote. I’m not a priss, it just gives me a peek into your life that I really don’t want. With one whiff, I can see your freaky, smoky house with bacon cooking on the stove, Wheel-O-Fortune on the tube, dirty socks on the floor, a Reliant K in the driveway, and someone sweaty in the vicinity. It’s just too close.
  7. I saw myself in a lot of these resumes – having worked in shit jobs for years, trying to claw my way into some decent field and just wishing someone would take a chance on me and give me the fucking break I needed.

I am way too judgmental for this task.

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