Administrative Assistant to the Most Anal Person on Earth

I just started a new job as a director of a bunch of blah blah blah. I am without an assistant and am in the process of hiring one. I went through what seemed like an endless stack of resumes yesterday and am stunned at what people think passes for a “resume.” I mean, sure, it’s a clerical position, so it’s not like rocket science, but c’mon, people, HIT SPELLCHECK.

Here are some examples of the ridiculousness (besides the spellcheck issue, which was rampant, by the way):

  1. The cover letter was addressed to the last company the person applied to. Flush.
  2. Email addresses range from to to Really?
  3. Someone who has been in the workforce since 1979 barely filled a half-page with their whole resume. Literally: Secretary 1979 – 1990. Office Assistant 1990-1997. Education: Joe’s High School, some college. Thanks, but I think I could have ASSUMED all that. Can you expand a little?
  4. At the end of the sentence mentioning their attention to detail, the 2nd period was extra helpful.
  5. I can’t, in good conscience, hire someone who’s done nothing but wait tables all their life. I just can’t. No offense to waitresses of the world, it’s just a quirk of mine.
  6. A resume that smells like cigarette smoke does not win my vote. I’m not a priss, it just gives me a peek into your life that I really don’t want. With one whiff, I can see your freaky, smoky house with bacon cooking on the stove, Wheel-O-Fortune on the tube, dirty socks on the floor, a Reliant K in the driveway, and someone sweaty in the vicinity. It’s just too close.
  7. I saw myself in a lot of these resumes – having worked in shit jobs for years, trying to claw my way into some decent field and just wishing someone would take a chance on me and give me the fucking break I needed.

I am way too judgmental for this task.


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