The Human Zoo

I took my 11 month old daughter to the zoo the other day for the first time. I had a day off during the week and thought we would have a leisurely day at the zoo on a Monday.

Boy, was I wrong. Overall, it was a fun trip, let’s not overreact here. Just a few minor observations to point out.

  1. Every bus in the state of Missouri arrived at the same time we did and dropped off more children than you could shake a pedophile at.
  2. Most of the zoo visitors were, what we in St. Louis call, “Hoosiers.” This is by no means a slam on people from Indiana. The term merely describes those who sport mullets and strongly resemble guests on the Jerry Springer show.
  3. I had to point out the animals to my baby because she was so busy staring at all the people. I was all, “Look! A monkey!” and she was all pointing to the lady to the right of us wearing gold lame shoes with pink terry cloth shorts, varicose veins and a tank top seventeen sizes too small for her tattooed breasts. Yes, the same woman who was with her daughter, granddaughter and possibly great-granddaughter in tow. And to think, I felt a little out of place because I was wearing jeans on a hottish day.
  4. We went first thing in the morning and you would think that they could hose that place down once in a while. I have never dodged so much gum, vomit and bird poo in my life. Most of the vomit was confined to the area surrounding the Conservation Carousel, and seeing that on this particular day it was covered in caution tape, we were able to steer clear easily.
  5. Why are zoos so stinky? Again, the hosing might help.

Anyway, it was a fun experience. Hopefully one I can enjoy again with the little lentil.


Graceland Under Pressure

Maybe this has occurred to you already, but it just occurred to me. Britney is quickly becoming the new Anna Nicole/Elvis. She is just downright weird and any talent she had is leaking out faster than you can say “broken levee.” The head-shaving, the wig, the seriously over Pussycat Dolls-esque mini-show at the House of Blues. It was karaoke, people. I took dance lessons growing up and I’m sorry, any monkey can writhe around for 11 minutes on stage.

Brit has officially jumped the shark. She did a long time ago, but I am just now acknowledging it, I suppose. I frankly feel a bit sorry for celebrities who have way too much money, so they hire assistants and yes-men to do everything for them and thus they are left with a ton of free time to be alone with their thoughts. So they begin having delusions of grandeur, party every night and think their warbling (or acting) is what people have been missing all their lives. You are BORED, INSECURE and NEEDY.

Brit, just go away for a long time and hang out with your kids. No one else. That will be all the perspective you will ever need.

A Pisces Manifesto

Yesterday while getting my hair washed at the salon, I was staring up at a fluttering sign that was promoting a water-conservation campaign the salon was supporting. So I asked my hairdresser what it was all about, really just to make conversation because often we run out of things to talk about and the pressure to “keep up the chatty” is deafening. She said it is something the salon does every year; a big campaign to encourage others to conserve water on the planet. By turning off the water when you brush your teeth, using low-flush toilets, not owning a swimming pool, etc. They raise a bunch of money and give it to some organization that helps promote that cause.

But what occurred to me is that if ever there was anyone that is using WAY too much water, it’s a full-service salon. Full service, meaning not only do they WASH thousands of heads of hair each day, they scrub people’s hands and feet in manicure and pedicure tubs filled with WATER, they offer HYDRO-therapy massage, they have SHOWERS so you can rinse off after a regular massage, all of this on top of the fact that they have TOILETS like every other business, and they also offer you none other than, WATER or tea upon your arrival.

I just find it odd that they chose this to be their cause. If anyone was a worst offender, it would be them. And, to add a cherry on top, not only are they using a country’s worth of water, they are washing a whole lot of chemicals down the tubes too. Every day, thousands of people are getting their overdue roots foiled and rinsed to the tune of $150-ish bucks and meanwhile, lakes in China are drying up. Just seems a little imbalanced, is all.

More power to them for taking on such a cause, but they’re not entirely setting a good example, now are they? I’m sure there are plenty of Bosnian limp-winged bats out there that need conserving instead. Well, let’s not say plenty, but a few at least.