I Am Skipping American Idol For This

Ok, there’s this thing in Newsweek where they ask some author about their favorite books, you know, “what they’re reading.” It’s called their “Five Most Important Books.” If you read the piece, the authors always try to sound important and end up sounding pretentious. Recently, some jackass listed the Odyssey as “the classic that, on rereading, was disappointing.” He just wants people to know he already read it once and was brave or stupid enough to try it again.

I am happy to admit that I have never read Dostoevsky or Nietzsche. I’ve never even tried, and I managed to graduate from college and live a normal life making a decent wage. I did not turn out to be some gun-totin’, rabbit-shooting redneck who stands in my front yard yelling at my dirty-faced kids, blissfully ignorant of how my life ended up the way it is. I don’t mean to judge or sound racist or “classist” (is that a word?), but c’mon, you know what I mean. SO, without further delay, here are my five most important books: (In no particular order)

  1. Five Smooth Stones by Ann Fairbairn – a great love and life story that helps you understand the way the world works.
  2. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne – everything else I tried to read by him was pure rubbish. The only reason I put this here is because of the teacher in high school who made us read this opened me up to the world of symbolism and metaphor.
  3. Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris – I love a book where you can read about poo and it’s still considered literature.
  4. Does People magazine count?
  5. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown – I read it three times. I want it to be true. It would give light and love and equality and humanity to a religion that is so mired in pompous bullshit.
  6. The Red Tent by Anita Diamant – behold the power of women and life.

Ok, that’s six. Oh, and when we go to little mom and pop restaurants, I like to read the history of the restaurant they sometimes print on the menu. Gives me something to do.

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